Illustration of a laptop with the words 'Letters From Lockdown' on the screen

After you died I used business organisation and the girls as an alibi not to feel (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

To my darling Ben…

Well, we certainly could not have predicted coronavirus and the current need to stay rubber at dwelling house – just like we could non have predicted your untimely death from bowel cancer in 2017, when y'all were simply 39.

I was pregnant at the time with our youngest daughter.

To say things are foreign is a huge understatement, we go out the firm merely to walk the dogs and very occasionally to mail service messages or to pick up something I missed from the online shop. To exist honest I am not sure how I am doing it, but I am and mostly with a grin – only sometimes with tears falling downward my cheeks.

I am trying to embrace this fourth dimension with our girls and assuasive myself to be present with them, which was often difficult when our busy schedule was in place. Afterwards you died I used business and the girls equally an excuse not to feel, not to accept to accept you were expressionless, non to have to experience my excruciating pain, acknowledge the gaping pigsty you had left in my center, my life, our children's lives, our future, our home, that of our families and friends, the listing could get on.

Every time I retrieve near it another aspect of life without you is revealed. Information technology is like an onion – yous remember yous're getting to the terminal layer, the concluding of the losses, merely oh no, just underneath is another aspect of grief waiting to pounce when y'all are least expecting it.

This is what I alive with day in and solar day out. The doubtfulness of never knowing when the storm volition rise and the waves volition grow potent enough to knock me off my feet and threaten to drag me nether. Only information technology'southward also taught me that this as well will laissez passer, the waves will settle and surface at-home volition return.

Karen with Ben and their two daughters in the garden

I am at present more than than ever absolutely everything to our girls and this comes with feelings of immense responsibility. (Picture: Karen Whybrow)

Even with a mostly positive attitude, this staying habitation, staying warning is challenging for us without y'all.

The girls push my buttons and each other's daily. Past 9am I have already lost count of the number of times I have heard 'Mummy…'. I continue telling them I'g going to modify my name, but fifty-fifty Harriet only rolls her three-year-sometime eyes at me.

I am now more than than ever absolutely everything to our girls and this comes with feelings of immense responsibility.

Some days I feel like I am declining before 7am and some days I tin go to 7pm before thoughts of failure and not being plenty enter my head. But I know I have to exist good plenty and I am expert enough for the many roles I make full everyday. I know this considering you lot knew I was plenty and your belief in me keeps me going even when I experience like I am drowning.

What I wouldn't give to be staying safe at domicile with you, nosotros were so content and happy a few months of isolation with the girls would have been amazing. I am trying to take the proficient from our current state of affairs every bit I know y'all would but the memories I am making with our girls are bittersweet. Always aware of your absence and what we are all missing out on.

I would love to tag you similar we used to – 'your turn now, infant'. I would shut myself abroad and work in peace, I would tie up my trainers and run outside of our garden, I would permit y'all deal with the electric current lot of tears and tantrums.

I would get to the shop without feeling guilty for having to put our children at risk past taking them with me, I would have a bathroom without interruptions, I'd fifty-fifty settle for a shower, I would ask you for dinner ideas, I may even slumber easier knowing you were there.

I do know if you were live my journeying would have been so very dissimilar. I would not exist the adult female I am today, you dying has changed me and will keep to change me and be office of who I am.

I thank you for choosing me and for all that you give me.

I beloved you, forever.

Karen Whybrow is a Coach and Rapid Transformational Therapy Practitioner.

Messages FROM LOCKDOWN

If there was one letter you could write during this time of shielding, social distancing and self-isolation, what would you desire to say?

In this new limited serial, Metro.co.uk are sharing the notes people have been inspired to write by their own lockdown feel.

If you would like to contribute, please email claie.wilson@metro.co.uk with the field of study: Letters From Lockdown

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